About anger and my ex’s boyfriend….

After I posted a few days ago, I looked down the post before that.  It was earlier this summer, about my ex and her boyfriend. I ended it with “And I don’t yet know how to process or work with the anger and frustration that gradually builds in me.”

I did find a way to work through it. I really focused on my kids this summer, and on myself. I decided to live my own life and not react to her actions. The anger and hurt do return from time to time. But I let myself experience those feelings and then they pass. OK, sometimes they pass more like burning diarhrea but they pass.

The next step is to be able to speak nicely of her.  I mean truly nicely, beyond the vagaries and polite euphimisms that we all hear and we all know are so hollow. Its hard. She continues to make goofy decisions regarding the kids. But I am going to try.

Putting kids first – in a way that isn’t talked about much

When getting divorced, there is one thing nobody tells you.  Not your lawyer, not your ex, not your therapist, not your family, not your support group, not the court, not the court-ordered class… NOBODY.  What is it that nobody tells you?  That your kids will not get any time away from each other, or any one-on-one time with you… unless you choose to make that happen.

Think about it… even in a dysfunctional marriage there are going to be times where the kids get one-on-one time with each parent just because of scheduling differences, age differences, gender differences, etc.  But once you have a parenting schedule, you now have a committment to spend parenting time with ALL kids – all at the same time.

In summer of 2010, when I was presented with a proposed parenting schedule.  During the marriage I always made it a point to have one-on-one time with my kids, so I was immediately struck by the omission of it in the parenting time schedule.  I said to my STBX that is a nice start, but we have to be open to deviations to give the kids time for one-on-one time with each of us.  She told me that my time with them was my problem – deal with it.  Nice…. but over a year later it is a top priority for them, and I do what I can to give them each special time just with me, when I can.  BTW they are now 9 (boy) and 12 (girl). 

If you are planning a divorce or in negotions or have been final for many years, and have two or more kids, find a way to make this happen.

The (new) other man

Before I start – I have now been divorced for six weeks.  It was so anti-climactic that I hardly acknowledged it, other than calling friends and family to let them know.  All it really meant was I had the legal right to remarry.  Ugh.

Anyways….My ex has been engaged for a couple of months now.  I don’t know much about the guy, including his last name.  He has been to some of my son’s little league games so I have met him a few times.  This is what I do know:

• his first name
• he works for WalMart, in the meat department.  Don’t know if he is a stock clerk, butcher, or something else
• he has two daughters, 14 and 24
• he has a tattoo with his name and another woman’s, interlocking rings, and the date (about a year ago) on his forearm.
• he rode a motorcycle in the winter, so my ex often drove him to work or let him borrow her van.  We had an extremely snowy winter.
• he finally bought a car in the spring

He is good to my kids, which I am thankful for.  But here is the problem.  When I confronted my ex about her affairs, she justified it by saying she did not want to carry me, financially or emotionally.  (BTW she was a stay-at-home-mom, and someone who chose to commit adultery rather than say to me “I want to see other men.”  So who was carrying whom?)

So now I see her engaged to someone who couldn’t afford even a beater when he needed it most; who has a lover from a year ago tattoo’d in a very visible place.  My ex is smart, and very attractive.  She is in a position to choose.  I wonder why she chooses to carry him.  Not a good example for my daughter.  And I don’t yet know how to process or work with the anger and frustration that gradually builds in me.

Guilt



Today I bought a nice bed set. You know, sheets, shams, pillow cases… yada yada yada. And I feel guilty. Terribly guilty about it.

Yesterday my lawyer called to tell me he settled my divorce. Yeah, right, I’ll believe it when the ink is dry and everything is final. But then today I got an email for a prove-up date. Wow. In Illinois, at least, this is a big deal. You go to the prove up AFTER everything else is final.

I got that email at work – and I was a basket case. I just had to leave.

I went to Kohl’s (a department store) just to clear my head. Its a nice place, kinda quiet, and the staff will leave you alone. A good place to go. I stumbled into the linen area and found some really nice bed sets. A couple of weeks ago I read a blog by a single dad, and he suggested always keeping the bed made, and having a nice set of sheets. You know, “just in case.”

The woman I’m seeing at the moment has a beautiful bedroom, with great sheets. She has not been over to my place – yet. And when I saw the sheets on sale, with a really nice design that would go perfect with my furniture, I just wanted it. Just for me.

I feel guilty because I sometimes tell my kids I can’t buy them something because we have to watch our money. And new sheets on my bed will be very obvious. My STBX tells them she doesn’t get enough money from me, so I am very concerned about how this is all going to look and how my kids are going to take this (they are 9 and 12.)

The sheets were $100, and I really don’t withhold from my kids. OK, so I’m not buying my 9 year old son an XBOX at the moment – he has a Wii. Anyways we’re going to a ball game this summer and that will easily be a $100 day. Not to mention all the go karting he wants to do.

And I’m not buying my 12 year old daughter a laptop – she can use mine during the 50% time she is with me, and there is a desktop at her mom’s. Anyways I’m taking her and two friends to see Katy Perry this summer – easily a $200 night. Not to mention go karting and clothes shopping, etc, etc, etc.

So help me with the guilt! (or go rub it in) – either way, please comment. Thanks

Crossing my fingers

For six months her lawyer has not returned phone calls.  For six months the only talking between them has been at the court house in the moments before being called to the judge.  Literally no progress has been made.

Court is in two days.  It is the third week of May and my kids have no idea where they will attend school next August.  My lawyer is ready to dramatically escalate this, just to get it moving forward.  I hope we make some progress and avoid a trial.

Rules for dealing with a manipulative spouse

Adapted from the words of Saul Alinsky

….As an organizer co-parent I start where the world situation is, as it is, not as I would like it to be. That we accept the world situation as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what we believe it should be — it is necessary to begin where the world situation is if we are going to change it to what we think it should be…

…The ninth rule of the ethics of means and ends is that any effective means is automatically judged by the opposition manipulative spouse as being unethical…

…If you start with nothing, demand 100 per cent, then compromise for 30 per cent, you’re 30 per cent ahead….

…the fourth next rule is: Make the enemy manipulative spouse live up to their own book of rules….

…The twelth next rule: The Make sure the price paid by your manipulative spouse for of a successful attack is a constructive alternative…

Much of what Saul Alinsky wrote should not apply in a divorce.  You’ll destroy anything you have left, especially with regards to your children.  But those points were universal, especially when dealing with a manipulative spouse.

Today is an ordinary day. Next year it will not be.

It should have been an ordinary Sunday with the ordinary hassles that come along when you have an 8 year old boy with places to be and an 11 year old girl who unexpectedly gets sick and they both need space from each other.

Our son was spending the night at a friend’s house and Sunday morning he had to be picked up and driven 40 miles to a sports award ceremony, then back to go to a birthday party.  Our daughter had no plans for Sunday and was going to tag along.

My daughter wanted to sleep in my bed last night.  At 1 am I heard her throwing up.  She was vomiting while asleep.  I cleaned her (and the bed) as best I could, woke her to give her some water to rinse with, and she went back to sleep.  We had to leave home around 8:45 to pick up our son.  At 8am she was still asleep and I told FX about the night sickness.  FX asked if I would take our son to the ceremony while she stayed home with our daughter.  Sure, I told her.  The morning went off without a hitch.

By this time next year, the divorce will be final and we’ll be living in separate homes, possibly 30+ miles away from each other.  We will have a court approved parenting schedule.  We may not be able to tag-team so easily when the kids suddenly need time apart.  If one child suddenly gets sick on a day when the other child has to be driven to a bunch of events, neither of us can just expect the other parent to simply be available.  We can hope for it, nothing more.

Think of it… when it’s your weekend without the kids, you will want to make plans, and you should be able to.  If its your weekend with the kids and they absolutely need two of you, what are you going to do?  Choices like drag a sick kid to a trophy ceremony vs. keep your healthy kid home and make him lose out on the honor of receiving first-place recognition in front of 300 people (and a much needed shot of self-esteem that comes with it) – choices like these really suck and these are the choices that will happen as a single parent.

If you are thinking you just don’t want to be married anymore, and you have two or more kids, think of a day like this and the impact it will have on everyone.  If you really can’t stay married, at least go through marriage counseling to ease the transition out, and save the money that lawyers will consume so you can afford to have a better parenting arrangement.